“Not to take sides is to effectively weigh in on the side of the stronger”

-William Sloane Coffin Jr.

Preface:

What honest, soul-searching individual has not at some point been frustrated by the concept of religion? Balancing our own personal moral perspectives with that of any institutionalized perspective is by its very nature a contradiction in itself. Each of us has a unique set of natural personal core values, and it is not likely that each of these values will align perfectly with the hundreds, thousands, or millions of others that we strive to share a common belief with. Still, our hope is that we can find a group that—in general—shares our same general principles. We search for a ‘church’ to help us focus our values and help us keep track of what we think is important.

What follows is a personal essay on my current perspective of my particular religion and its conflict with what I know about Jesus. I wrote it as much for myself as anything, but I think that my personal insight is worth sharing. When it comes to religion, we are all taking a relative shot in the dark…no one can be sure that they have the right answer. If you are sure, then you have passed the realm of faith and entered a world of certainty. What does it mean to be christian? What do we believe? What do we not believe? These are important questions that we should feel free to discuss. I’m hoping this will be the first of a few different serious essays tying together Politics, Religion, and the flaws of Foreign Aid that I deal with every day.

Note: If you’re curious about my guilt in saying the apostle’s creed…I’ve never once felt guilty in taking communion. My favorite stories of Jesus involve his radical communion with the poor, the sick, and the unwanted. I leap at the chance to share this experience with Jesus, even if it means something totally different for me than what the church intends, I’m confident that my understanding is well in line with Jesus’ word. Jesus would be cool with it, even if my church is not.

Hooked On Jesus

Africa, for better or worse, gives one time. Time to sit on a combi and let your mind sit idle for 2 hours…time to sit in the staff room nearly comatose and zone out while everyone else talks Sesotho…time to sit on a rock, take in the sights, and contemplate the meaning of things that—in America—you would never have the time to contemplate.

In my case…I’ve been searching…deep…trying to find an honest and intellectual understanding of where I stand with not only my own religion, but religion in general. I don’t claim to be an expert, but with the benefit of Africa time I may have more recent experience in deep thought than most. I’ve poured myself into books, had hours-long conversations with myself, lying on my bed, staring at my thatched roof…spent whole days roasting under the sun, holding onto a fishing rod(never having a bite)…trying to decide the answer to a question I’ve struggled with since childhood…Am I a christian?

After 23 years of searching, Africa has helped me to find an answer.

I’ve always been a fan of Jesus, there’s no doubt in that. As far as ‘following in his footsteps’, I’m confident that I do quite well. I love Jesus’ message and philosophy, and have no doubt that he was—if not a little off his rocker(what radical revolutionist isn’t?)–one of the most honorable men ever to live.

And therein lies the rub…’most honorable men’. I prefer to think of Jesus as a man. A man I can understand, a man I can emulate. A man who has emotions, doubts, and challenges, just like me. This man inspires me and brings me back to the values and ideals that I cherish most. This man, in spite of over 2,000 years of history between us, speaks to me. Can there be any doubt that this was a very, very special person?

So there’s no doubts as to whether or not I’m a follower of Jesus. How is it, then, that I still ask myself this ridiculous question, Am I a christian? Well, after some thorough contemplation, I’m beginning to see clearly where the chasm lies. The source of the challenge in answering this question lies not in whether or not I’m a follower of Jesus, but whether or not I’m a worshiper of Christ.

When I think about Jesus as the Christ…the Savior God, who was tortured and died for my sins, was resurrected, opened up the pearly gates for me, and will come again to judge the living and the dead…I choke.  It’s time to stop following and start worshiping. Suddenly the Jesus Message shifts: from how I can live while I’m alive(awesome!), to how I can live after I die(fizzle). Unfortunately, the latter message is just not as poignant for me.

Where before the message was clear, I suddenly become very confused. The Passion seems more a story of divine child abuse than redemption for sin(not to mention the narratives were written about 40 years too late to make sense). The Resurrection tells the story of the biggest ego turn-around in history…from the most humble and unlikely leader in history to Almighty God…in how many days?  “Wow, Jesus!  The Resurrection really changed you buddy!”  I’m suddenly incapable of relating with my good ‘ol hombre Jesus…I mean…how on earth am I supposed to emulate God!?

As a youngster, I tried my very best in vain to reconcile my understanding of the radical, humble, caring life of Jesus the Person with the sudden change in focus with Jesus the Christ. Jesus for me promoted the radical idea that the poor, the sick, the dirty, the ‘untouchable’, all deserved God’s love and compassion, and focused on making this world a better place by being compassionate towards all human beings. Christ, on the other hand, promoted for me the rather selfish idea that there is only one way to the kingdom of God, and you’d better reserve your seat while you still have a chance.

My church told me in no uncertain terms that if I don’t believe in Jesus the Christ I simply do not believe. So I tried. I would mutter the Apostle’s Creed, always with a subconscious twang of guilt, my conscience writhing…“you don’t REALLY believe this! Why are you saying it!?”

I said it because I wanted to believe it, just like everyone else seemed to…but thus far in my life my efforts have been in vain.

Even so I’ve reconciled this. How? I’ve recognized that for me, the message of Christ is moot when compared to the message of the man Jesus. There’s no doubt that Jesus was a man of action, and to follow Jesus is to take the same actions that will ultimately result in the betterment of God’s Kingdom here on Earth. This is the message that resonates with me, the message that, through numerous experiences, God has given me, and I need not feel guilty for my beliefs not being in line with the expected beliefs of my church.

I’ve also recognized that in the eyes of God, (the God that Jesus spoke of, anyway) picking Jesus the Christ or Jesus the person doesn’t really matter. Still, something has been severely convoluted along the way, when the christian churches so strongly promote the idea of ‘Worshiping Christ’ over the idea of ‘Following Jesus’. They’ve created a faith where action is no longer necessary…passive listening and proclamation of faith are what matter most…the very antithesis of what Jesus spoke to us about! Our religion has reverted back to the state it was in before Jesus:

On the surface, keep clean, keep tidy. Wash three times a day, say the right prayers…But when it comes to action, fret not. Giving your extra money to the church or the poor is enough(as money can always make things right). Fear not, then…The world can burn, the wars can rage, the seas can boil…but your properness and selfless worship has reserved your place in heaven.

If Jesus were alive today, he would tear down this ideal. He would be breaking bread with the homeless, drawing fishing nets with homosexuals, and bringing peace to the hearts of inner-city gangsters. He would be disliked by most, for befriending and representing the most oppressed and ‘unclean’ in our society, just as he was so strongly disliked for wandering with the poor, the unclean and the lepers some years ago. The churches would hate him, as he would be telling them, just as he did in his prime, “Sorry! You guys have it all wrong!”

Jesus made us realize that the ultimate form of glorifying God takes place with simple acts of kindness to our fellow man. Should I support a religion that has so distorted the image of my greatest hero? Should I hate gays and be wary of the homeless, or should I break bread with them, and listen to their stories? Should I support my church unquestionably, praising Jesus for the torture he underwent, or should I live radically…living the message that Jesus gave everything for?

Am I a christian? According most church’s beliefs, probably not. But according to my own ideas, I am every bit of a christian as I can be. I will still enjoy my church, but I will have my own creed. I will be honest with myself and others. I will take action, I will stand up for what I think is right. I will develop my faith by exploring my doubts, for faith for me cannot grow without honest answers to honest questions. That is who I am…who God made me to be.

By following Jesus, I know I cannot go wrong.

Shame to any one person, place, or thing that makes me feel otherwise.

Tagged as: church, essay, jesus, religion